Finally I found me, myself and I!
For years I have been searching in all the wrong places and for all the wrong reasons, then today I tried to search my very own soul. Then suddenly I found myself, it’s ME! Why couldn’t I find myself before? Mainly because I never thought I can love myself as much as my ‘true love’ did.
What is true love? It’s that pure love that can last forever. It can be manifested by anyone to anybody and I never thought that I can have a love affair with myself until now. Today something amazing happened, finally I found me, myself, and I.
Someone had to inspire me to finally open my eyes in order for me to realize that I, too can have a love affair with my life. To be honest with you, I never thought in a million years that it is possible to really be in love with life and with your own self. Now I know better that there’s nothing impossible if you only have the faith to let it happen and be madly in love with yourself. Sometimes when I am an incurable romantic or just being a foolish one, it makes me smile and then say to myself, “So this is true love, finally”!
When I found my ‘first true love’ and unfortunately squandered it away until I’ve left my dear heart in San Francisco, I was so young and foolish then! It’s a long love story that I don’t even want to talk about anymore but I probably will one last time. Perhaps someday I will find that same ‘true love’ again and have a ‘second chance’ at another love affair. It was ‘love at first sight’ something that I never believed in until it struck me one glorious day in summertime eons of years ago. We even watched that magnificent sunrise at the airport observation deck together holding hands! Sweet memories of yesteryears, meeting someone special at a busy airport terminal after I missed my flight home is somewhat lovely and unforgettable. Then the love letters started to arrive. We exchanged love letters so often, it was like having a sweet talk with your loved one every other week when his love letters would arrive in the mail and I would be there to answer it and share our lovely memories. This went on for weeks and then months until summer ended.
Then we went to the same school campus we were about to share. We dated and went out to the movies and had romantic dinners together until one sad day I broke the bad news. He knew that I was going away to move to Canada and I told him that the right time had come and I have to leave. A few weeks before I told him the news, he took me to his home to meet his parents and family members and we went out to the beach for a night picnic and bonfire with them. After meeting his parents, he took me home and proposed to me before saying our goodnight. I told him in such a gentle way that now is not the right time for me to make any commitments since I was ready to leave as soon as my passport is ready and I get my visa upon approval of my immigration papers. He proposed anyway and wanted an answer. Then all I could say was maybe, not yes or no. Yes, I do love him but it was an unfortunate time and all the answer I could give for now is a big “maybe”. He wanted me to stay and not leave but I told him that I have made a commitment with my family to be with them so staying was not really an option that I can or am willing to take. He knew then that everything was over just like that, so we broke up and he kissed me goodbye. After seeing each other one last time, we never saw each other again until I found out that Leo went to live in San Francisco and worked as a system analyst there. I phoned him when I was passing through to visit my cousins and he graciously accepted my invitation to see him once and for all. We met at Union Square, then had a romantic dinner at a French restaurant and he was dashing as ever. But after not seeing each other for a few years so much have changed. I thought it would be great to give our relationship a second chance but he had already made up his mind. Because I left him brokenhearted years before, now he doesn’t want to have anything to do with us being together again. I took him to the BART station where he left his car and we said our last goodbye. Then I never saw him again. He did write me a last letter of goodbye and apologized for his drastic decision, which was thoughtful but also left me with a broken heart. Will it ever mend, the broken heart? I don’t have any idea if it ever will but as I’ve learned that true love never dies, I still think there’s hope for us someday, somewhere in time we will meet again, a twist of fate perhaps!
Hey, it’s the first day of my 2013 summer vacation and I wasn’t going to post a blog for a while but habits are hard to break so here I am posting this new blog today. Why the urgency of posting this one important blog? Maybe because I have finally come out alive, beaming with joy and just wants the whole world to know it! ‘Love your life!’ And ‘live life to the fullest’ is all I can say for now. And I’ve learned to Love ME!
Pink Tulips Bloom at Edward’s Garden
Here’s my own love letter to the world….. (excerpts from my comment to laura’s guest post “A Love Affair with Life by Jacqueline Boone”)
wow, jacqueline, there you go again inspiring as ever! i don’t know why it took me a lifetime to make my dreams come true, so it’s now or never. yes, dreams do come true and for me who have waited a lifetime to make it happen, what can i say? i should have loved life the way you did long before but instead i have loved everyone and everything else; my family, my BF, my BFF, my close friends, my career except for me, my passion and my whole life!
it’s all about me now, ungrateful as it may seem, i have learned to love my life so much that i never want to squander away another minute living life the way i should have, that i can be really happy and well loved by me! And that’s truly living for me now!
i thanked everyone who came into my life. i never realized how important the “ME” was until recently even if i was the catalyst mostly of people around me since i always make all those great and lovely dreams in their own lives happen for them, but not for the one i could have, that’s me! why am i crying now? perhaps tears of joy!
all that is going to change right now and the love affair of my own life begins this moment in time; as in the poem Invictus, “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” by: William Ernest Henley
p.s. thanks laura of Defying Small for featuring my favourite inspirational blogger, Jacqueline Boone! and by the way, it’s her 30th birthday today!